Elzabia 81:6 says..."Hark! Goest out into the lands, and act as idiotic assholes!"
PLEEESE WECLUM S.P.A.M.S. NEWDEST MEMBER!!!!|
It is my great joy to anounce to the world, that S.P.A.M. has a brand new member!!!
Now that I finally remembered my website password, after ate and a half years, I can finally make this IMPORTANT UPDATE!!!!
I, MIC ELGROSS have a new, side hand man!!!
None other than GranDad has FOUND HISS WAY TO S.P.A.M., to help me FIGHT OFF THOSE BASTARDS AT THE CONVENIENCE STORE, WHO ARE ALWAYS GETTING TO THE TWINKIES FIRST!!!
We are also going to fight perversity! Such as ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO THINK SEXY PEOPLE AREN'T SEXY!!!
Persunully, I had NO IDEA GramPad was going to join S.P.A.Mm. Heck! Nobody has set foot through these doors, since that incident with the rabit getting inside my underwear!!!
The petstore incident has had a few people skidddish, too, but I SWEAR, I WAS NOT trying to eat that pearit!!!
You caN ALL imagine my surprice the other night when I turned around to find a COMPLETE HUMAN BEING, with HIs HEAD STUCK UP MY STINKTER...
It APPEERZE I was not paying attention when I sat down at the "PERVERT CRIMINAL CONVENTION", and I must have dragged this POOR, SICK, STINKTER MOLESTER all the wya home with me/ And he's still got his head trapped between my gluttius maximums!!!
The lLEAST I can do, is compensate him with an HONORARY membershit in S.P.A.M.
We can let Fanny Crocks nerse him back to health!!!
S.P.A.M. HAS BEEN REBORN WITH NEW BLOOD!!!!!
Nobody Ever Misses Me! 'snif' |
I think I may cry.
You know, it is not easy, being BCs' number one color blind, obese and un-dead anti-anti!
I would have thought SOMEONE would have missed my crapulence of genius!
But I'm going to take this opportunity to clear the air, of an UGLY rumor!!!
It has been speculated, that Philip John Eide is my bastard child!
And now, I must confess my SHAME to the world!!!
On the night of June 38th, 1954, I was ABDUCTED and anally raped by a PERVERT alien, who looked eerily similar to Nancy Grace, but with a DICK!
It's sperm was so potent, that after a twenty nine year bout of constipation, I shat out what could only be described, as the biggest colon parasite in history!!!
After the failure of three and a half days, trying to plunge and flush this thing down the toilet, I finally abandoned it at a local orphanage!
I always wondered what happened to my daughter/son/it.
Then, one day, watching Masturbateline NBC, I was beaming with pride, as I saw what could ONLY be the fruit of MY OWN loins, getting paid truckloads of money!!!
That smug look on his face! Those size 58 XXXL pants! That cocky smoothness of a B movie actress! Total ElGross genes, ALL THE WAY!!!
But, did that INGRATE, "I'M IN THE MONEY", son/daughter/iguana of mine say, "Here dad! Have a lamborghini!? Have a million dollars?! Have a side of beef?!" NO!!!!
[Where is my IBLD gift, for crying out loud?!!]
Worthless BRAT got fired!!!
Wont listen to me, or send me any money!!!
Consequentially, that sun/doughter/toad cant super sleuth, or build a website for CRAP!!!
I am SO ASHAMED!!!
I trust I can depend on you all, to keep this just between us.
As serious as I am fat...
P.S. FESS UP!!! Which 237 of you peed on my grave?!!!!
S.P.A.M. has uncovered a COVER UP that is SO HUGE, it will SHOCK YOU!!
Let it be known, that all 120,478,599.00214 members of S.P.A.M. have figured out the whereabouts of one PERVERT, known only as "300"
After informing the Monterey county PD that the PERVERT "300" is residing presently between "299" and "301", I was promptly HUNG UP ON!!!
CLEARLY, A CONSPIRECY IS GOING ON HERE!!!
We were also able to obtain a POSITIVE IDENTIFICATION PICTURE of the PERVERT known as "Cactus"!!!
After providing this IMPORTANT INFORMATION to the Monterey PD, the whole lot of them put a RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST ME!!!
Clearly, something foul is going on here!!
So, S.P.A.M. set out to INVESTIGATE!!!
What we found out, is that the Monterey PD, who've repeatedly arrested me, for vandalizing and abusing others, have connections with the Monterey Oatmeal Mill, where S.P.A.M. member Fanny Crocks was stumbled across last summer, trying to get wild rats to lick maple syrup off her nipples.
This caused a great deal of stirring, after the pictures taken by a hidden reporter, showed up in the local rag sheets!!!
We didn't know if S.P.A.M. could ever survive this SCANDAL, but just when we thought things couldn't get any worse, some SICKO STALKER started sending "LOVE LETTERS" to Fanny, which excited her greatly, since nobody has ever wanted to "touch" her like that before.
As result, Fanny started living alone, locked away with her vibrator, in her own fantasy world, dreaming of things that will never, ever, ever happen to her.
The sever strain on the local, double A battery supply, was just to much, and soon collapsed the whole market, sending Monterey into a PANIC!!
In the MADDNESS OF IT ALL RIOTS RAGED, and while I was vandalizing and looting the local convenience store of it's twinkies and ho ho's, I noticed the store clerk was watching me, and telling me to stop.
So, I hit him with my cane!!
I semi-quickly waddled away, and made my escape, just getting out the door, as the ambulance arrived.
Well, it turned out the battered clerk was none other than the great great great grandson of Mr. Hurl Chunks, President of the Republic of Wackafuie.
President Chunks took out a contract on my head, but, since he didn't know what I look like, there was no other choice but send assassins to KILL EVERYBODY!!!
As luck would have it, the first house they visited, was in Florida, where they barged in on former U.S. Attorney General, Janet Remo, masturbating to a Martha Stewedwart, holiday porno movie.
Janet attacked and raped all of them, repeatedly, over the span of several months.
President Chunks was displeased!! And ever more so, after receiving the medical bills, from The Happy Cornball Mental Institution, where his assassins remain, till this day. Except for one, who we believe Janet ate.
Long about this time, it became PAINFULLY CLEAR, that Will Cliton, was VERY UNHAPPY at how his lackey has been treated by the media, during these trying times, and has appealed to President G. W. Shrub, to FIND AND OBLITERATE THE SOURCE OF THIS PAIN!!!
AND THERE YOU HAVE IT!!! EVERYBODY, INCLUDING THE PRESIDENT, IS INVOLVED IN THIS CONSPIRECY!!!
REMEMBER, the story was broken here FIRST!!!
As Serious As I Am Fat,
It has come to our attention, here at S.P.A.M. that MANY people are unaware just how crafty these ONLINE PERVERTS really are!! So, I have decided to share a bitter memory, from my past, of the SHAMLESS exploitation of an otherwise beautiful holiday, all for the SICK LUST FANTASIES of some PERVERTS!!!
I submit to you, my VERY TELLING expose, which BLEW THE LID OFF OF THIS YEARLY SCANDAL!!!
The following was posted at Crossroads:
Don't let this happen to you!!!
As Serious As I Am Fat,
Let it be known, that after much pain staking slewthing, all 182,394,312 members of S.P.A.M. put their collective intelegence together, and tracked down this elusive PERVERT, that goes by the nickname, 'midnite'!!
We now know the exact identity of 'midnite', and have decided that it is OUR DUTY TO THE WORLD to warn you all of this PERVERT!!!
Dozens of our more intelegent members spent weeks studying, and going through records and manuals, as well as investigating rumors and stories!!!
Our conclusion is that 'midnite' is presently residing at one minute past 11:59 PM, and one minute prior to 12:01 AM.
Physical descriptions vary, but most commonly include, round, numbery, two armed and handed, with one arm shorter (an important, identifying character trait!), and both hands pointing at a 12.
It is important for all of you not to confuse 'midnite' with his distant cousin, 'noon', who also fits a very simmilar description, but is not known to be a pervert!
Also, it has been discovered that midnite is apparently ON THE RUN!!!
Stories and accounts support that midnite is commonly seen in MANY MANY different places, all over the globe, on a VERY REGULAR basis!!!
Please use this information in any way that is helpfull!!
As Serious As I Am Fat,
S.P.A.M. IS UNDER ATTACK!!!
Mr. Pork Rind, President and CEO of Hormelle Inc., makers of SPAM dinner meat, has taken it upon himself to make it known he does not approve of MY organizations name, "S.P.A.M.".
Mr. Rind!! You better watch who you're getting lippy with, Mr MEAT HEAD!!!
I just might hit you with my cane!!! DON'T GET ME MAD!!!
Now, if you, Mr. Rind, want to come to an amicable arangement, and put these foolish ideas behind us, I'm ready to negotiate.
Given the already high level of exposure your business and product has gained, by your malicious attack, and attachment to MY GOOD, AND FAMOUS NAME, I should sue you for services rendered!!!
I am a gentlemen, though, and have a better solution.
I PROPOSE A MERGER!!!
Your meat products, SPAM, and all other Hormelle products, can merge with ME!!
This will be the PERFECT partnership!!
You will ship ALL of your food products to me, and it will merge with me, WHEN I EAT IT!!!
Please consider my generous offering, carfully.
Thank you, sincerely,
President and CEO of S.P.A.M. Int.
been up to?!!
Well!!! All 129,204,018 members of MY crackhead team, have been scowering the sesspools of the internet, trying to find somthing to eat, since we are starving to death.
What?! You thought sombody would actually pay us for the blather, and mental vomit, that we put on the net?!!
I, Mic ElGross, have taken up pan handeling, down at the local city park. I've found, that flopping my fat, hairy titties, in the breeze, helps give people incentive, in paying me to leave.
It's not so bad. The city where I live has declared me a health hazzard, and now has me on their anual city budget...They just pay me to stay away from all public places.
This is what we have been up to.
MISSING S.P.A.M. MEMBERS LOCATED!!!
Beloved, and missed S.P.A.M. members Fanny Crocks, Benny Jizzem, and Calvin Stalker, are in criticle, but stable condition, after being removed from between my third and fourth belly fat rolls.
It seems, these three were standing to close to me, when I had my unfortunate stumble, three and a half months ago, where I rolled over on top of these three, forcing them into the bowels of my fat.
You know, I thought it itched a lot more than the usual, with all my fleas, ticks, cockroches, and the small rodents that get traped up in there, every now and then, it was hard to distinguish.
Maybe the muffled screams should have been a clue?
I gotta go eat now!
Benny Jizzem has DEFECTED!!!
BEWARE OF THIS MAN!!!
It is my sad duty to inform all of you, that Benny Jizzem is NO LONGER TO BE TRUSTED!!! Benny is no longer of sound mind!!!
After visiting Benny, in the critical care unit, shortly after he regained conciousness, I was shocked and horrified, to be confronted with Bennys' insane (and incensitive) accusations, that none of the aformentioned, unfortunate ordeal (which left Benny and two others firmly lodged between two of my several belly fat rolls, for over three months, or so) would have happend, if it were not for my own, daily diet of Ding Dongs, Ho Ho's and Twinkies, which I've lived on as a staple of my diet, for the last 37 and a half years.
HOW DARE HE?!!!
His anger at me for my simple survival, on Little Debbys, and Hostes products, is more than I can handle!!
I promptly started screaming things at Benny, as he lay there in his hospital bed, on a venelator, and told him to, "SHUT UP YOU SICK FREAK!!!".
After refusing to stop looking at me, in a way that displeased me, I had to resort to physical encouragment, and hit him over the head several times with my cane.
It was the only thing I could do to defend myself. Somtimes, you just have to do the right thing.
Let it be known by all, Benny Jizzem is officially an OUTCAST of S.P.A.M.!!!
Do not contact, or communicate with Benny, in any way!!!
Sombody please identify this SICK, SNOWMAN RAPEST, and report him to me!!!
These sexy, and very exciting VICTIMS are being ABUSED, by some SICK, SICK (though very artistic) PERVERT!!!
These VICTIMS must be identified, and brought to my house, so I can write a book about them!!!
Please help me exploit their suffering!!
As serious as I am fat,